K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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