she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
