His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
