I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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