Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
