how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
