Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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