They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
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