The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Randomize
