Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
