I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
