im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
