So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
