i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I have aggressive nipples.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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