On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
