I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
