Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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