I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
you inspire me to be a worse person
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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