Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
