What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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