There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
