my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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