i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
