My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
