News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
40s are totally the cure
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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