his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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