So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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