Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
