It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
