$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
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