i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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