I wanna bring you to show and tell
barbara walters just said penis...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
