I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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