Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
