Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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