i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
