Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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