I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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