He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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