Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
