I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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