I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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