apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
