i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
