my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
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