Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
