nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
