When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
