Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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