we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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